Eric Shackle's eBook - Bar Bitches

When you read a pun that makes you laugh out loud, you want to pass it on. That's what we did, when we read this "pun of the week" in Frank Kaiser's Suddenly Senior newsletter:

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

We wondered if we could adapt the story for Australian readers. We don't have any bears here, apart from those in a few public zoos. Overseas visitors often mistakenly call our koalas "koala-bears," much to our distress, because koalas are NOT bears, although they may resemble teddy-bears. But we do have plenty of bandicoots (we even had some in our suburban garden 30 years ago). So here goes:

BOGGABRI'S BOTHERSOME BANDICOOT

A gigantic bandicoot walks into a bar in Boggabri, and sits down among the two-legged bandy coots already there. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The barman says, "We don't serve beer to bandicoots in bars in Boggabri."

The bandicoot, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The barman tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bandicoots in bars in Boggabri."

The bandicoot, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bandicoots in bars in Boggabri."

The bandicoot goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bloody, belligerent, bully bandicoots in bars in Bogga-bloody-bri who are on bloody drugs."

The bandicoot says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The barman says, "You are now. That was a bloody barbitchyouate."

Finally, here's a South African version, compiled by my colleague, webmaster Barry Downs, of Kimberley, who has an extensive knowledge of his country's wildlife and waterholes.

KIMBERLEY'S CRANKY KUDU

A king-size kudu walks into a club in Kimberley and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his hoof and demands a Castle lager.

The barman says, "We don't serve Castle to kudus in clubs in Kimberley."

The kudu, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a Castle.

The barman tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve Castle to cranky kudus in clubs in Kimberley."

The kudu, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a Castle, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the counter."

The barman says, "We don't serve Castle to cannibalistic cranky kudus in clubs in Kimberley."

The kudu goes to the end of the counter, and, as promised, eats the woman, who is wearing three rings studded with Kimberley diamonds. He comes back to his seat and again demands a Castle.

The barman states, "Sorry. We don't serve Castle to cannibalistic cranky kudus in clubs in Kimberley who are on drugs."

The kudu says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The barman says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Bar Bitch Bounces from Billings to Boggabri